Jeff Smardzija's Sexface

Guess who’s baaaaaaack? 

That’s right! Our 2012 Chicago Cubs MVP, Shawn Camp.

Let’s take a look at his stats in his MVP season. 

 (Stolen from FanGraphs). So, .6 WAR. Not AWFUL, but not much of a contribution, either. Signing him for $1.x Mil gives some room for depreciation, which makes sense given age and his slightly lucky BABIP and LOB%. 

I could go into this deeper, but whatever. Fuck it. He’s going to be worth less than 1 Win  on a team that needs about 40 more wins to be competitive. Signed him because we already have him. 

Who the fuck cares.

The bag of shit continues!

Then just get God on your side! Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer, masters of market inefficiencies have found yet another one. Jesus Christ! With Garza still recovering, The Shark already in spring training, and Dempster taking his impressions to South Beach, why not sign all the religious players you can, and have God himself get you some wins? So here’s the plan I propose.

1)Sign Zambrano back (I know, I know. But he LOVED pointing to the Big Man when he wasn’t beating the fuck out of people or machines. Also he doesn’t stinks). 

2)Make EVERYONE wear crosses on the field. Make Sundays at Wrigley Field Church Songs on the Organ day

3)Get a Rotation BABIP of .0001

4) WORLD SERIES!

I know it sounds crazy, but why in the flying fuck else would you sign a pitcher like this to a 1 year contract and eliminate any trade value he could create? Because I can’t fucking explain it.

Jesus may be Scott’s Rock and Redeemer, hopefully he can be our closer as well.